Saturday thoughts

Hello fluffies,

I'm down with fluuuuuuu. I don't know about you but whenever I'm sick, I get hungry. Like ravenous. It's hard because I know I've gone well over the limit of my daily recommended calorie intake. And yet I still feel incredibly hungry. I just crave everything! Me no like to feel hungry :( I'm glad I was in the comfort of my boyfriend's arms. 

I decided to write about some thoughts about Thursday's orientation. It was daunting. 

I felt exactly the way that I did before when I was back in Temasek poly.

Years back, I felt very insecure about my size. It was something that people have cruelly made me feel day in and day out. I remember every disgusted stare, every blatant comment about how I've grown bigger, every time when some one tries to rephrase a comment about my weight and every time someone tells me to control myself and what I eat. 

Someone even told me that if I were skinny, we would have been best friends. Though I was never interested in her friendship.

The labels on the thin model are not untrue. When we see a beautiful well groomed person, we automatically slap on these labels subconsciously.  I admit that there are times when I've judged similar looking girls. Being fat, I automatically assumed skinnier prettier girls will all be mean to me. 

Still so clear and vivid, I remember that on the very first day of poly, I kept my mouth sealed shut. I didn't speak to anyone until I reached home. At that time, I was nursing a broken spirit and self conscious about my size. Just like a bull in a china shop. In my mind, I kept believing that I'm just going to irk my classmates because of how big I am. I kept thinking I was taking up a lot of space in between the 2 ladies sitting by my sides. 

That was about 5 years ago.

I took about 1.5 years to get to wear I am right now. It is very weird because I always thought I've grown to be used to this size that I am right now. Turns out, I'm really not. 

On Thursday, I walked around refusing to look at anyone else in the face, other than occasionally peering at the pretty female classmate and marvelling at her lace top. When I walked up the stairs, I tried to walk slower and lighter. Every step I took, I tried to minimize the imaginary impact caused by my weight. 

Yet every time I see myself in the mirror, on the glass windows, or any reflective surface, it's a shock to me that I'm about the same size as everyone else. I'm no longer a plus size girl. I'm no longer a broken spirit, but a happy one. Maybe too contented that I'm starting to get lazy about life. 

I've made a mental note to be as kind as I can to fluffier people and also to myself. It is not easy trying to shake off the labels that people have given me and it is not easy to be contented after shaking it all off because once you know you've come this far, you believe you can go further and maybe earn other better 'labels'. 

I have a tough time letting this sink in but I'm trying. If you are facing the same problem as me, I hope that you know you are not alone and we're all trying. :)